Why Your Sexuality Matters: Take Pride in Your Unique Sexual Self by Felice Newman

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I envision a world where sexual pleasure is a basic value. In that world, people are enlivened by their sexualities. They take pride in the uniqueness of their sexual expression and gender identity, and they enjoy ongoing, intimate sexual relationships that expand and deepen over time.

In my ideal world, everyone has access to ample resources to support them sexually over the course of a lifetime: sex-positive sex education beginning at an early age; accurate, nonjudgmental sex information; health care; sex toys and supplies; the help of coaches, therapists, bodyworkers, and sex educators; and a wide range of cultural and artistic representations of sex and gender.

That isn't the world we have now—but it is the world I want to help bring about.

My mission is to help people create authentic and deeply fulfilling sex lives. I do that as a coach, a writer, and a public speaker. In my coaching practice, I work with individuals and couples who come to me either because something isn't working for them or because they see that more is possible.

Things that aren't working include: they've "lost" their libido, they are uncomfortable receiving or giving sexual touch, they are disturbed by their desires or fantasies, they can't talk to their partners about what is or isn't working for them, they don't understand why or how they trigger their partners, they no longer desire their partner and don't know whether it's the partner or themselves, they can't sustain sexual interest once a relationship moves beyond the early stages of dating, their partnered sex life is challenged by their many commitments and busy lives, they have difficulty achieving erections, they have difficulty reaching orgasm, their sexual functioning has been impacted by depression and/or the antidepressants they take to alleviate it. Some are survivors of sexual trauma.

Possibilities include: they are newly single or newly coupled and see that as an opportunity to grow sexually, they are coming out into a new sexual or gender identity, they want to open their relationship to new sexual practices or even to new partners, they want to engage new avenues of erotic exploration, they want to increase their capacity for pleasure, including orgasm.

Many people lack the skills to create satisfying sex lives for themselves. They may not believe that they deserve sexual pleasure or that a life filled with sexual pleasure is even possible. They hold strong negative assumptions about the possibility for healthy, lasting, mutually-satisfying sexual relationships. These are strong beliefs found even among people who see themselves as sexually sophisticated, experienced, and open.

They may not know how to talk about sex, much less the complexities of their histories. They live in sexual isolation. They may have sex with their partners, but they don't know how to talk to them about their concerns related to sexuality. For many, this is why they cannot sustain an intimate sexual relationship.

People who are unhappy with their sexuality or gender identity often live in a mood of defeat. A kind of resignation appears in these people. In some, it shows up as a biting, sarcastic denial of the value of sexual fulfillment. In others, there is a fatalism about their intimate relationships that permeates their entire selves.

I believe that sexuality is vital to us as healthy human organisms. Sexual energy is a core component of our life energy. It nourishes a sense of well being and gives us pleasure. Sexual fulfillment is a generative resource, just as intelligence or intuition or the capacity for laughter is a resource. Through an authentic and deeply fulfilling sexuality, we connect viscerally with a powerful part of ourselves. From there, we can be deeply intimate with others.